Wash, Rinse and Repeat...these are the days of my life!

So December is here and Christmas is just around the corner. Looking at the calendar confirms what Scott & I feel, where did the time go? We've barely had a weekend free of events since spring and December is looking no different, but we've finally caught a glimpse of a quiet weekend in January.

There are days where I feel like I'm on fast-forward. My days are a blur as I wake up, rush around and get myself and the girls ready for the day, make sure backpacks are packed and lunch is made for Big Bit's if it's a school day. Drop the girlies off, head to work (not without a stop at Starbucks, of course!) and tackle the various projects on my plate.

After putting in a full day's work and sometimes staying late, I get home and am greeted at the door by 2 very excited and very tired little girlies. No sooner do I get in some cuddles and a quick playtime and it's dinner time, closely followed by bedtime. Then I've set out to cram a day's worth of housework into the few remaining hours I still have left in the day. Most nights I don't get to bed before 1am. Then I wash, rinse, and repeat my next day. Some days I feel like I'm living a scene from groundhog day since you can set a clock to repetition I sometimes feel.

Let's face it...I'm tired! Not to mention frazzled when I have to add the additional stress of mixing up the routine with a new task or commitment.

When I'm not busy playing the role of my life as wife and mom, I've thrown myself into my job. My biggest project for the past 9 months has been re branding the college and that's entailed everything from a new logo and promotional materials, to an entire communications overhaul and new website. That dang website has been the bain of my existence for 6 months.

Have you ever worked on something and the more you work on it, the more you feel like you've just unearthed an insane amount of additional work and it'll never get done? Well, that's what it's been like working on this website. I often referred to it as the rabbit hole, much like the one from 'Alice in Wonderland'.

This website has taught me a lot about my life too. All too often, we just take our baggage onto the next task. It's like we're in survival mode and don't purge. For me it's because I lack the time, and well, while I'm being honest and transparent, I just don't have the energy some days.

We just let everything build up and carry it with us. How much easier would it be if we dealt with our baggage while we were in the midst of it and get it cleaned up. It's so easy to think like that once you're out of the pressure but when you're in the midst of the pressure and stress, it's a daunting task to add the work of dealing with the smaller issues. Sure, they seem small and insignificant, but over time they build up and soon they are compounded into a bigger issue.

Of course, it's always easy to say what should be done when we have a case of the "coulda, shoulda, woulda's". After all, we're all perfect at finding the flaws and faults after the fact. Hindsight's 20/20 and here's the kicker. Nothing irks me more than having somebody else point out my flaws or flubs, especially when I already knew about it but was hoping nobody else did. Talk about a humbling experience.

So while everybody else is getting ready to reminisce about the year, I'm done reflecting and rolling-up my sleeves to do something about it. I just need to figure out the time to do it all in.

4 years later and what's changed?

Seriously, it's been almost 5yrs since I started this blog and almost 4yrs since my last entry? Dang...I need to get on the ball here. Since my last post, I had my 2nd daughter and now have 2 beautiful little girls who keep me hopping, and married to an awesome guy. I also work and I'm trying to balance it all. A lot has changed and yet much has stayed the same. That's the Coles notes version of my story. This post is sort of like reading the last page of a book before reading the book. I haven't spoiled much but given you a sneak-peak at what happens.

Where does one even begin when it comes to recapping so much. Reading my 1st post brought up a lot of raw emotions that I had forgotten about. I was in a dark place. I didn't know if I'd ever hear the precious sound of my child's voice call me Mama (nor did I know how long that would be to hear given my oldest daughter has a speech delay and is in speech therapy) and I had no idea what was ahead of me. Little did I know it wouldn't be an easy ride!

I love my life and yet I don't take it for granted. I'll do my best to fill in the gaps from the past 5yrs. The journey of infertility and recurrent miscarriages is a daunting one and not something I've ever wish on anybody. It's marked with pain, insecurity, and doubt but I'm a survivour. My journey is marked with humour and sorrow. I'm all over the place when it comes to my thoughts. I want to share a lot and yet I don't know where to begin.

So bare with me as I go through this. I can't promise that you'll like where it'll lead you but I can promise you it'll be a ride.

So this is a blog!?!

Take 2. Let's try this again. Sure I enjoy writing, but sometimes I wonder who really wants to read what's going on with lil' ol' moi? I've been active for over 2 years on a Message Board that's become my home away from home, and made some great online friends, but a blog is so different from a board. Almost more daunting.

I'm not quite sure what the flavour this blog will take on. So much is going through my head these days, and so much has happened in the past 2 years. I guess it'll be a work in process and we shall see where it leads.

A bit about me...

I'm 30 and the wife to a great guy. We're celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in May 2008, and we just welcomed our 1st baby this past September (on Labour Day of all days!). I used to do Corporate Event Planning, and these days I find myself thrilled with the thought heading to the grocery store for some "me" time, and consider it a good day if both Makenna & I are dressed, clean, have eaten and appear content.

Becoming a SAHM has been an adjustment to say the least, and isn't a job for the weak or faint of heart. I'm only 3 months into the position and already I find myself questioning what the heck I'm doing. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter, and the fact that we have managed to keep me at home to be with Miss M is a huge blessing in disguise, but at the same time I find my identity has tried to take on a life of it's own. I'm fighting to exist as beyond my roles and instead struggle to not be known only as Miss M's mama and married to that guy!

My self worth isn't defined by my roles. I am still me, but with a new role. It's the constant struggle and battle that will keep me motivated to think outside the box and test the traditional realms of Motherhood. It was a huge journey and battle just to get to this place (which I'm sure I'll share later on). Until then, I just swimming.