4 years later and what's changed?

Seriously, it's been almost 5yrs since I started this blog and almost 4yrs since my last entry? Dang...I need to get on the ball here. Since my last post, I had my 2nd daughter and now have 2 beautiful little girls who keep me hopping, and married to an awesome guy. I also work and I'm trying to balance it all. A lot has changed and yet much has stayed the same. That's the Coles notes version of my story. This post is sort of like reading the last page of a book before reading the book. I haven't spoiled much but given you a sneak-peak at what happens.

Where does one even begin when it comes to recapping so much. Reading my 1st post brought up a lot of raw emotions that I had forgotten about. I was in a dark place. I didn't know if I'd ever hear the precious sound of my child's voice call me Mama (nor did I know how long that would be to hear given my oldest daughter has a speech delay and is in speech therapy) and I had no idea what was ahead of me. Little did I know it wouldn't be an easy ride!

I love my life and yet I don't take it for granted. I'll do my best to fill in the gaps from the past 5yrs. The journey of infertility and recurrent miscarriages is a daunting one and not something I've ever wish on anybody. It's marked with pain, insecurity, and doubt but I'm a survivour. My journey is marked with humour and sorrow. I'm all over the place when it comes to my thoughts. I want to share a lot and yet I don't know where to begin.

So bare with me as I go through this. I can't promise that you'll like where it'll lead you but I can promise you it'll be a ride.

It's Christmas Eve...

It's Christmas Eve and I'm so excited to spend our 1st Christmas as a family with Miss M and hubby. It's such a surreal thing. My mind keeps going back to last year at this time when we found out we were expecting her. We were so excited, but also very scared and nervous. We suffered 3 losses in a span of 9 months in 2005/2006 so everytime we heard we were pregnant the excitement that so many expectant parents feel was gone for us, and replaced with fear and sorrow.

But...sh'es is here and healthy as can be. She's a bright, and happy 3.5 month baby girl who loves her momma and loves her cuddles. I love being a mom and spending my days with Miss M. This Christmas season has been extra special. I love this time of year and spending it with our daughter has been extra special.

Last year I was giddy with excitement and also scared to share our news with our family. It's not like it was the first time we had announced we were preggers but it was a special time of the year and I was terrified of another miscarriage.

After countless invassive tests, visits with Dr. C (our fertility Dr), and riding the rollercoaster of fertility medication, we finally had a pregnancy that was going to stick.

Miss M, I love you so much babycakes. I feel like this is a dream and I can't wait to spend our 1st Christmas together as a family.

What am I thinking?

There's a part of me that wants to share my story, and then there's that part of me that says there are too many wackos out there and who knows what they'll say or do. I don't know...that may be the case, but in light of how strongly I feel about infertility and recurrent miscarriage, maybe sharing my story will help somebody else. Okay...maybe it won't do that, but it will help me ease my burden, and finally open up and share openly what's been going on.

Growing up I always thought you got married, and became a mommy. WRONG! Isn't it amazing how movie and television writers make that fantasy up. The truth is 25% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage and 1 in 6 women will suffer from infertility. Show how is it that I seem to be surrounded by people who can practically sneeze and pop a child out?!? Why is it that the only people I know who have suffered from infertility or recurrent miscarriage are my friends that I've met online? Why do I feel like a family freak, or like my life is some sort of "after school special"?

Is it too much to ask to have a child of my own? Why do I seem to be surrounded by people who are pregnant and don't really like children? Why is it that I met my husband 13 years ago while we were working as camp counselors at a summer camp, and have been involved in some sort of children's programing for over 13 years, and I long to be a mom, and it isn't happening?

How is it that I'm told that I have Endometriosis and PCOS and my chances of conceiving on my own are slim to none, to find out that I'm ovulating on my own and have regular cycles, to finding out I'm pregnant to finding out a week later that it's an ectopic pregnancy and I need to have emergency surgery, to recovering in a matter of months and get pregnant again less than 4 months later only to miscarry around 11 weeks, to getting pregnant for a 3rd time only 3 weeks after my 2nd miscarriage but loosing that pregnancy as well because of scar tissue from the D&C procedure that I had with the 2nd miscarriage! How much more can I take of this? How long must my emotions be put through this horrible nightmare? Why is this happening to me? The only positive thing to have come out of this past year is finding out the PCOS is gone. There is no trace of it and my blood work, hormone levels, and ultrasounds all indicate that the PCOS is gone. The Endo is still present but during the ectopic surgery last October, the adhesions were removed and I've been symptom free!

I keep trying to have a positive attitude but some days are harder than others. Wanna know the irony in all of this? It's only been the last few months that I've even shared a hint of my story with anybody. It's not that I'm ashamed. It's that I'm so tired of the comments that get made from people who check their brains at the door and speak without thinking it through. If I hear one more comment like; "In God's timing," "It wasn't meant to be", "At least you know you can get pregnant", "It wasn't really a baby anyways", "So what's keeping you from having a family already?" "Must be nice to have all the free time in the world...just wait until kids come along", I think I just might freak out. Comments hurt so much and yet I remained silent.

Well, I'm done with being silent. I need to be open and honest like I am in everything else that I do in my life, and share the truth.

So here's my story as it unfolds...