There's a part of me that wants to share my story, and then there's that part of me that says there are too many wackos out there and who knows what they'll say or do. I don't know...that may be the case, but in light of how strongly I feel about infertility and recurrent miscarriage, maybe sharing my story will help somebody else. Okay...maybe it won't do that, but it will help me ease my burden, and finally open up and share openly what's been going on.
Growing up I always thought you got married, and became a mommy. WRONG! Isn't it amazing how movie and television writers make that fantasy up. The truth is 25% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage and 1 in 6 women will suffer from infertility. Show how is it that I seem to be surrounded by people who can practically sneeze and pop a child out?!? Why is it that the only people I know who have suffered from infertility or recurrent miscarriage are my friends that I've met online? Why do I feel like a family freak, or like my life is some sort of "after school special"?
Is it too much to ask to have a child of my own? Why do I seem to be surrounded by people who are pregnant and don't really like children? Why is it that I met my husband 13 years ago while we were working as camp counselors at a summer camp, and have been involved in some sort of children's programing for over 13 years, and I long to be a mom, and it isn't happening?
How is it that I'm told that I have Endometriosis and PCOS and my chances of conceiving on my own are slim to none, to find out that I'm ovulating on my own and have regular cycles, to finding out I'm pregnant to finding out a week later that it's an ectopic pregnancy and I need to have emergency surgery, to recovering in a matter of months and get pregnant again less than 4 months later only to miscarry around 11 weeks, to getting pregnant for a 3rd time only 3 weeks after my 2nd miscarriage but loosing that pregnancy as well because of scar tissue from the D&C procedure that I had with the 2nd miscarriage! How much more can I take of this? How long must my emotions be put through this horrible nightmare? Why is this happening to me? The only positive thing to have come out of this past year is finding out the PCOS is gone. There is no trace of it and my blood work, hormone levels, and ultrasounds all indicate that the PCOS is gone. The Endo is still present but during the ectopic surgery last October, the adhesions were removed and I've been symptom free!
I keep trying to have a positive attitude but some days are harder than others. Wanna know the irony in all of this? It's only been the last few months that I've even shared a hint of my story with anybody. It's not that I'm ashamed. It's that I'm so tired of the comments that get made from people who check their brains at the door and speak without thinking it through. If I hear one more comment like; "In God's timing," "It wasn't meant to be", "At least you know you can get pregnant", "It wasn't really a baby anyways", "So what's keeping you from having a family already?" "Must be nice to have all the free time in the world...just wait until kids come along", I think I just might freak out. Comments hurt so much and yet I remained silent.
Well, I'm done with being silent. I need to be open and honest like I am in everything else that I do in my life, and share the truth.
So here's my story as it unfolds...
